Stirred

忐忑不安

現時可做的 只有hope for the best.

fingers crossed.

痛嗎

不 那時比現在痛上百倍

目前只剩下淡淡哀愁

你的氣息在逐漸淡化

但我倆曾經相愛過的這個事實

卻在生命中留下痕跡

對不起我該走了。

Soliloquy iv

男人其實好蠢

但如果你仲蠢過佢

你好很可悲。

Soliloquy iii

從前前度身上學到的：

如果一個男人拍拖時對你孤寒，你咪使旨意結左婚佢會變得疏爽。

2011回顧

2011年願望:
1) 愛自己多一點
2) 多看書
3) 維持體重在103lb左右
4) 多做運動, 健康些, 不再做藥煲
5) 不為不值得的人和事浪費時間心血
6) 儲錢, 投資
7) 早些開始寫畢業論文 (i.e. 早點找到靈感)
8) 暑假做intern. 好好學習學習
9) 年底前去一次旅行
10) 重拾信仰

1) 那時的潛台詞其實是想說分手但怕自己做不到，結果在年尾我終於做到了

2) 多個屁. 買了許多本書但除了assigned texts之外沒一本是看完的

3) 現在體重是46kg 不錯不錯

4) 這是啥來的?! 今年小病連連, 唉...

5) erm... 算了當止蝕吧 稍有長進的說

6) 仍需繼續努力

7) 完成了1/3

8) 這個我可算是超額完成了的說 謝謝天父給了我一個難得的機會

9) 暑假時飛越赤道去了一個事前沒任何期望但回港後朝思暮想的地方

10) 零個重拾

意想不到的

在經歷了體重在短短一星期暴跌至九十多磅

及後生不如死的一個月

以及不斷鄙視自己 怨氣超重的下半年

我重新找回了自己.

這一刻

心還是會痛但我好滿足.

20111221

我回來了

我真的回來了

真正的我回來了

兩年多的self-victimization終於完了

縱使不捨但我確確實實的為自己感到驕傲

轟轟烈烈的愛過委屈過難受過

現在剩下的是滿滿的感激

他那時再錯再過份

都過去了.

是他 令我發現自己還有愛人的能力

亦令我徹底地愛了一次痛了一次.

他送給我的那對耳環

我好喜歡好喜歡

但今天我買了相同牌子的一對耳環給自己做聖誕禮物

事前根本沒有想過要分手

只不過感覺來時

我知道自己再不捨也要把一切放下.

I'm finally single.

對不起

我回來了

生活變得一團糟

哭啊哭啊哭得累到哭得心也痛

是否就會麻木就能放下

問自己數百次為何會愛上一個錯的人

為何在以為苦盡甘來最幸福之時才發現他是一個仆街

大概我多想跟這一個人走下去也沒用了

再多的愛也沒用

況且我從不願 也不敢奢望 去改變一個人

人只會掩飾自己去暫時性的近合另一人

也絕不會為了某個人改變自己

別想了

不想了

而且

他不值得。

心 好痛

Updates

Erm nothing special

just overwhelmed with work and distressed by my dissertation

and now i know how it feels to be working in central.

exam

近來在忙考試

明天要考最難那科

但我還在hea還在鬧情緒

頂.

不行

要振作了.

倔強

別人都知道我火爆.

自懂事以來已是這樣

我知我知好蝕底嘛

可我就是不懂扮無知扮柔弱.

一名凡事都要獨力承擔的女子

不懂發惡是會死的.

但一旦慣了強悍

自會做不了溫和小白兔.

我是否要學懂溫順一點呢

若這可替我搏得你的溫柔

我不介意假一點

只不過

我不知道能維持多久.

noir et bleu

對我這是在自殘

撩交嗌 然後喪哭 暴飲暴食

再喪哭

哭累了繼續暴食.

繼續愛得遍體鱗傷

只因我在乎.

有沒有辦法不傷

有

關於他的事不上心不在乎便行

對不起我做不到.

大概愛夠了便會停止吧

像花火燒盡自會灰飛煙滅.

Soliloquy ii

當男人跟你說

“Trust me, this is not lip service.”

You know it is.

男人靠得住 母豬會上樹.

Soliloquy i

再不滿都別抱怨太多

無謂浪費時間心血期望他會因此改變.

做女人最忌失掉儀態風度.

Stuck

It sucks.

I really have no idea which way to choose
And there is no one that I can talk to
I mean
From no one I can seek a piece of advice that I think is good enough.
Or
Am I being too picky and demanding?
I don’t know
I don't know I don't know I don't know.

God I need your help.

merci mon dieu

As time passes I started to see my path.

Thanks be to God I started to figure out the way of achieving my goal.

Ways, it should be.

Staying at home on this nice Saturday afternoon

Struggling my way through another term paper

I am glad that I’ve made such choice.

I love my life, really.

Life’s great.

deleted.

Deleted my MySpace account, which has been deserted for almost 4 years.
Oh yes it has been 4 years since I finished that public exam.

The idea of deleting the account struck me out of a sudden and I just came up with the thought that I don't need that many identities.
Facebook, Plurk, Xanga, and MySpace?

Definitely too much for me.

We lie with our true names, we tell the truth pseudonymously.

I read this brilliant quote on my friend’s pluck, and I guess it somewhat stimulated me to ditch my MySpace account. The account is not really a platform for me to tell the truth. It never has been. And I don't need another identity to lie either. The everyday life already provides me with superb rostrums on which I’m force to put on my disguise.

I am fed up with those desserted accounts and I'm gonna get rid of them one by one.

And I am here, unveiled. Just here.

fingers crossed

I hope it’ll go well.
I want this chance so badly.

Having disappointed myself for so many times,
I dare not overestimated the probability.

Fortiter, fideliter, forsan feliciter.
Wish me luck.

period

只願這七天快點過去

痛得要命.

在這一刻我好妒忌男人.

.

以下是跟自己說的

• 休息了多天，夠了，該工作了
• 要記得那其實不是夢
• 把心中所想的化成一萬字的時候到了，努力努力
• 你行的
• 將來買樓，別買低層

對啦對啦

好啊好啊
繼續瘦下去吧
我今個夏天要漂漂亮亮的

其中一個對自己好一點的方法
就是穿的漂漂亮亮
化個精緻的妝
然後快快樂樂的上課上班上街去

繼續忙繼續瘦
努力讀書努力打扮
:D

20110315

:(







Experiencing the tremendous sense of helplessness and impotency again.
If my several hundreds can help
Then I’ll rather spend less.

I really want to help.

This is far beyond national boundaries
This is far beyond the notion of historical vendetta
Please, help Japan.

.

好多野做
可是啥也不想做.








煩躁不安
.

the epoch of youth

我知自己正處於一個女子的黃金時期
我知自己不應虛擲青春
但上磅時看到自己的體重不升反跌
我好難有危機意識.

我知我知.
我也怕會有報應
因此我決定今晚只吃七粒芝士丸 一個蘋果 以及一個蓮霧
因此我決定提醒自己肚子裡還有一件薄餅.

因此我決定暫時不花掉那一萬元.

因此我決定要好好珍惜所愛
同時保持清醒.

因此我繼續work my way up.

w.o.

是這本書一直帶領著我.





書頁都變黃了
我還在翻著.

it heals

深呼吸
呷一口芙蓉花茶

香氣在口中流動

稍微平靜了點.






嗯

再苦的都已過去
我還怕什麼.

for i know you are still here

Even were I to walk in a ravine as dark as death I should fear no danger, for you are at my side. Your staff and your crook are there to soothe me.

(Psalm 23:4)

:)

我該感恩.

只希望這好運能持續下去.





感謝主.

RP

My attempt to articulate myself
Resulted in vain.
Decided to forsake the part of me
I turned my back on the lamentable trait
That had once been indispensable.

My tongue hesitates.
It retreats.
It trembles.
The red snake tries to imitate
The way the dragon soar.
It struggles.
It stumbles.

Floundering
The red lump trembles.
It
.

Eloquence remains distant,
Clumsiness
Prevails
As ever.

Fragmented

I reckon it's better for me to remain in the corner
Reminiscing the past.
Instead of exposing myself under the spotlight
I’d rather stay covered by the veil
Of my alter ego.

I stuffed myself with the veil
The blackness overwhelmed me.
I tried not to breathe.
My chest felt the stabbing pain
My mind wandered
My throat swelled.
I couldn’t breathe
But I breathed.

I play with the wire
Attempt to walk on the tightrope.
The idea of giving in has been dragging me
Ever since…

Hidden,
Buried,
Secured.
They call it a double life
I regard it as a part of mine.
Indispensable.

The redness on the porcelain white
Poignant
But stunning.
I am a china doll
Wrapped up in the veil.

the broken pieces

I have been coming up with this plan for years
The idea of writing out the past has been lingering in my mind ever since I managed to cope with the pain.

This time I should be able to finish it.
Hopefully.

laundry

I dropped my blanket onto the floor this morning
and now I’m washing its cover.

How funny is it that the whole thing resembles a behavioral regression. It’s like how I react when I heard my professor hurting her leg when she fell onto the floor while sleeping (May God bless her. She’s a shrewd nice old lady).

But I’m clearing the mess now, which I’ve been doing since seven years ago. Mother left me when I was only thirteen. I’d been doing my own laundry since then.

I’d been dealing with the mess created by her for years.
I’d been handling the debris
the debris of a family
the debris of the mother-daughter relationship
the debris of my heart.

Our relationship improved a bit throughout the years, but I am no longer the dependent sweetie-babe of her. We used to tell each other I Love You before sleep, but ever since her departure, I found this phrase awkwardly disgusting.

She makes me phone calls every festival, and before she hangs up, she still says I Love You.

And I never said the three effing words to her anymore.

Throughout these years, I have become more or less a self-reliant person, I am grateful for the fact that she left me when I was still young,
when it was still not too late for me to become independent.
when it was early enough for me to pull myself together and get used to the adult’s world, and
when it was exactly the appropriate time for me to start doing my laundry.

.

It has been quite a long way since i made the decision last year.
It has been a year of clearing up the mess and trying to keep up with the spirit.
It has been an exhausting year.

I hated human relationships
I hated team work

But im glad that i'd made such decision.

My reluctance to working as a team and cultivating friendships (artificial ones) remains almost the same, yet i discover something more along the way of working with my counterparts. These are few things I learned throughout the year:

1. Never attempt to change anyone. People remain the same, especially the worst part of their personalities.
2. But sometimes people do improve.
3. Sometimes delegation is important and possible. It's better to train your team on different tasks than to let yourself doing all the work.
4. However, there are things that should better be done on your own.
5. If you feel like giving up, think of why you started it in the first place.

Now we're almost through with this. Looking back upon the previous year, I'm more than happy. It's like a self-fulfilling process, as well as actualization of a gigantic task by continual collaborative efforts.

And, not only did I gain precious experience of working as a team, I also made some real good friends.

I hate team work, but I love working as a team with you guys.

恭喜發財

願今年身體健康學業進步財源廣進:D

過肥年

體重在不知不覺間回復到一百一十多的水平
天啊新年啊接下來應該會再肥下去..
不要不要不要>





嗯
我決定了
這幾天吃得清淡一點..

我要跟肥腩say goodbye.

毛孔byebye

早前換了爽膚水
皮膚好了十萬倍!

話說前陣了面上的毛孔大得嚇人
把心一橫買了一直想試的AQUAMOIST透明質酸保濕化妝水
哇好好用!
面頰的毛孔縮小了好多
乾燥脫皮的情況完全消失了.
至於額頭泛油的情況
唉算了吧 這就是混合肌的煩惱.

從官網找來的照片:

http://www.aquamoist.com.hk/moisture_toner.html
官網資料: 質感與別不同的滋潤，特別適合乾燥肌膚。洗面後直接補濕，有效緊膚及除老化角質，可減輕乾紋及幫助隨後護膚品的吸收。

不過我猜... 另外一個令皮膚質素改善的原因

該是近來沒有去喝酒跳舞..

一番學就想放假

我粒驛馬星幾時先肯動?!

will you marry me

「娶我好唔好?」
「好呀」
「你真係會同我結婚架可?」
「會呀, 除非你唔想啦」
...
「唔會唔會唔會!」






我把頭埋在你胸口
把不安吞下肚.

我說不出口

in my realm, alone

是夜又獨個兒渡過

感覺好舒服
靜靜的
不受旁人影響

在床上懶洋洋地看畢其中一科的required reading

待會煮些餃子
然後一邊吃飯一邊備課.





其實我蠻喜歡獨處的說.

指甲油

指甲油塗上手不過一小時
便花了.

妖我知.
i dont have such luxury

要做家務還塗什麼指甲油.





我只不過是想好好縱容一下自己罷了.

膠都廢時派

如題。

碎碎念

• 好喜歡這學期的課
• 選了一門關於西方戲劇的課
• 最擔心的就是這一科
• 教授人雖好 可是要求很高
• 嗯我會克服心理障礙的.
• 希望快點把工作完成 我要享受人生.
• 完成幾個大event後要開始進行畢業論文的資料搜集了.

妖

好討厭那些已經二字頭還behave得像個幼稚小孩的人

跟自己說別為小學雞動氣.








妖.

20110116

兜兜轉轉
最後還是回到原地

覺得浪費了兩年時間嗎?
不.
縱使將來的工作未必與文學有關
可是從不同文本中學到的
卻畢生受用.
雖說不上是從文學中參透世事
但在多方面來說 這兩年的確學到了很多.

或許讀文學不如讀傳理經濟政治
但在提倡全人教育的學府要求之下
少不免要接觸其他學科
這已避免了在象牙塔裡作繭自縛了嘛.

以史為鏡, 可以知興替.
讀文學
是了解歷史的一個途徑.
誰說我們只是看書
我們都在看世界.

我不介意畢業後要讀多好幾年
才能達成最終目標.

當天違背親人的意願捨法律選文學
至今仍未後悔過.
雖說那時是心知自己考不上港大法律系
但另外更具影響力的原因
是我真的好想讀文學啊
(有點不到黃河心不息的感覺..)
而且那時對法律真是完。全。沒。興。趣
否則.. 我該是城大的學生了吧..

奇妙的是
在讀文學的過程中
不僅加強了語文能力
更令我終於對法律產生興趣.
(感覺上有點像高中那時讀理科才發現對文學的興趣.. )

給自己三年時間圓了心願
總好過在那時抱著為求有份高薪厚職的心態
讀個自己根本沒興趣的學科
然後一生怨恨自己為何當天沒選文學.

20110115

明明有許多話想說
明明有許多話可以說

我卻只懂哭
只懂撒賴.





可否讓我出走一回.

捱

一個小朋友跟我說:

乜而家GE小朋友O甘唔捱得GA咩@@









唉.

20110111

再苦
咬著牙關撐一撐就過去了








只需如此
只能如此.

新年碎碎念

2010

• 在電影院裡平靜地渡過了2010年
• 節日冷感的我, 沒太大感覺, 除了感恩
• 渡過了忙碌的一年, 挑戰了心理和生理的極限
• 幸好, i survived.

2011

• 約了姊妹們吃午飯, 那TMD iPod鬧鐘壞了
• 三小時的飯聚變成了一小時, 對不起 :(
• 回家後發現原來不只我一個中伏
• 2011年願望:
  1) 愛自己多一點
  2) 多看書
  3) 維持體重在103lb左右
  4) 多做運動, 健康些, 不再做藥煲
  5) 不為不值得的人和事浪費時間心血
  6) 儲錢, 投資
  7) 早些開始寫畢業論文 (i.e. 早點找到靈感)
  8) 暑假做intern. 好好學習學習
  9) 年底前去一次旅行
  10) 重拾信仰
• 發現自己混混噩噩的渡過了大半個二十歲, 決意不再虛耗光陰
• 剩下來的四個月我會chur盡佢.
• 下個sem GPA至少要過三點四.
• 今年要好好鞭策自己.

共勉之 :)